Friday night full moons can feel a certain way. With this one I felt an expectation of myself to be wild, maybe I’d even embody my sexy goddess self fully. Sometimes life doesn’t go the way we plan. I found myself in tears and not feeling even remotely sexy as my evening sensual massage appointment approached.

I had a day with several crushing moments that I swallowed and stuffed down. My family can make me feel so small, invisible and so inconsequential. I always feel like it’s my fault. That I’m doing something wrong. It’s so hard to let go of that feeling.

Coming home after 3 hours of driving and 2 hours of feeling overlooked, I felt rushed. I had no time for a pedicure so I cut open a lemon and rubbed it all over my feet attempting to smooth any rough skin. I cut my toenails to remove some of the chipped nail polish.

I used two new razors to shave the 8 weeks worth of hair in my armpits, my legs, on my butt and my bikini line. I left my pubic hair long and bushy. I considered leaving all the hair on my body, but couldn’t do it. I feel so much sexier having smooth legs.

I massaged my most expensive and best smelling lotion into my breasts, arms, legs and feet. I rolled on Palo Santo scented fragrance oil on all my pulse points and massaged a tiny bit into my scalp. I love to smell good. I love to notice a man inhaling my scent with pleasure.

I put on a low cut black top with lots of buttons. Having someone unbutton my buttons slowly turns me on. I wore dark wash slim fitting jeans, light blue lacy underwear, and a sexy red bra. I added my tigers eye necklace for some strength and personal power.

I folded the lacy scarves I thought we could use as blindfolds and put them in my purse. I applied some lip moisture and squeezed 2 droppers full of liquid L-theanine tincture under my tongue to help calm my nerves.

I was ready. I’d be on time. I found parking easily.

It was dark. I gazed at the gorgeous full moon as I drove. It shone down on me as I got out of the car. I felt a desire to be naked under the full moon kissing a lover passionately. I slowly climbed the stairs to the apartment with the prayer flags and knocked on the door.

He answered wearing another beautiful silk robe. He welcomed me in. Several large candles were glowing from within huge glass vases. It felt warm and cozy…a safe space.

He took me in his arms and hugged me to him running his hands up my back and down over my bottom. I could feel him inhaling me and making sounds of pleasure. It felt so good to be held, my body embraced by some who seems to get a lot of pleasure from having my body pressed against his. I could feel myself holding back a little bit though. Some unknown barrier existing though unclear why or what I was protecting myself from.

He sat next to me and asked about my day. I felt his caring gaze, warm body and willingness to be present and in the moment with me. It softened me to be seen and offered the attention I so often crave.

This time I asked him to undress for me. He seemed slightly nervous, like it was vulnerable for him. That melted my heart. He wrapped the silk robe a little tighter around his tall, lean body and closed his eyes as he prepared. He slowly removed 1 shoulder and then another, he was touching his chest slowly and sensually. He revealed one hip and his leg stroking the side of his groin area. Finally after some hesitation, he threw the silk robe into the chair a stood before me naked. I wish I had allowed myself more time to admire and gaze at his gorgeous body.

I liked watching him. I liked the balance of it after having him watch me undress a few times. I wish I knew how it was for him to have my eyes on him as he revealed his nakedness to me.

I stood up for him to undress me. I enjoy that I get to have it my way. I love the way he undresses me. He played with my hair moving it away from my neck as he traced my cleavage. He took his time unbuttoning each of my shirt buttons from top to bottom. I liked the feeling of his fingers brushing my stomach. Then he slide his hands over my shoulders and down my arms removing my shirt. He got on his knees to unbutton my jeans and pull my zipper down. I loved the feeling of his hands sliding over my ass and down my legs as he took my jeans off.

He stood up and ran his hands over my breasts down my back and gently squeezed my ass. He bent down and whispered in my ear. “Turn around.”

He unhooked my bra with my back facing him. Cupping my breasts from behind as he tossed my bra to the side. I felt his hard cock press into my back as he pulled me close. His hands slide inside my underwear at the sides and slowly pulled them down my legs. I stepped out of them as I felt his hand move up my inner leg so close to my pussy.

“Let me put your blindfold on you.” He said tying it carefully so as not to pull my hair. I could just barely make out the candles from under the lacy scarf. He put his black satin blindfold on. We stood facing each other, very close to touching, completely naked. I could feel the heat radiating from his body. I put my hands on the sides of his waist and slowly moved them up his chest. I loved feeling his body. Touching another body in this intimate way always feels sacred to me. I am almost in shock that I am allowed to touch him like this.

I began to realize that we have a lot of familiarity with each other’s bodies. The blindfolds weren’t really necessary, though a fun experiment. He is always into whatever I want to try.

I removed my blindfold and lay down on the massage table. The sheets were forest green, flannel, and felt cozy against my bare skin. I briefly remembered all the times he’d massaged me draping the top sheet over me for modesty. Now there was never a top sheet, just our naked bodies.

He drizzled oil along my legs, butt and back making long, firm strokes. I love the way his hands move over my body with such confidence. Soon I felt his mouth and the tickle of his facial hair against my ass. He was licking very close to my asshole. I really liked how it felt, but felt slightly embarrassed about how much it turned me on. My hand felt the inside of his thigh, my fingers wandered feeling the edge of his balls. It seemed like he really liked that from the noises he made.

Then he was on top of me, his front to my back, his hard cock slipping between my thighs. I felt nervous that he would accidentally enter me, but also trust him to hold the boundary we set. He could feel my discomfort and slowed things down.

“Turn over onto your back.” He said in a low voice. He drizzled oil on my chest and spent some time massaging my breasts, shoulders and arms. Then he was on top of me on the table again. Taking my nipple deep into his mouth. Sucking and massaging my breasts as he moaned. Holding me so tight. His hand found its way between my legs. “Do you want me to touch your yoni?” I nodded. “Do you want my fingers inside of you?” I looked into his eyes and said, “Yes.”

Everything felt good. Our connection felt as intimate as ever. My body just wasn’t as turned on as I’ve been before. I could feel myself pushing, striving for something. Desiring for an orgasm, and I wasn’t even getting close. I started to feel sad about that.

Privately, internally I understand that the deep, guttural disappointment I feel about many of the men in my life, in my community, and in my world has reached a tipping point. The safety and level of care and investment I desire to feel in order to fully open to a man I’m intimate with feels so far away, so out of reach, with no promising prospects on the horizon. This idea that the connection and relationship I desire for myself exists is slipping away from me. I prepare myself more and more each day to be my own source of sexual and sensual pleasure, releasing any and all disappointment that ever came from my hoping and praying for a man to choose and cherish me.

Back to the massage table, he felt my sadness and how far away I’d gone, dissociating from our connection. He suggested we go over to the bed.

I thought we would cuddle, but as I lay down he was kissing my neck, sucking on my nipples and telling me how gorgeous and pretty I looked. He asked me how I felt about touching his cock. I guess I needed the invitation.

I felt shy, but I reached for it. I felt it growing in my hand. As his cock became hard, I felt how wide the base of it was. For the first time I really desired to feel his cock inside me. I felt the response inside as my pussy swelled and throbbed. I imagined how incredible it would feel all the way inside of me. I imagine grinding my hips and coming on that wide base of his cock stretching my pussy so fully open. Maybe…

Laying in bed together with our arms and legs wrapped around each other felt intimate. His face was so close to mine. I could imagine kissing him, our lips touching and tongues exploring. Maybe next time.

He was touching my pussy again, going deep inside of me making the motion that can lead to squirting. I felt the familiar feeling I feel so often when men touch my pussy. Just not quite right. Why can’t he read my mind. I want to be able to guide him to touch me exactly the way I desire. I delay though in anxiousness about how to say it and what to say.

I wanted him to go deep inside and then come all the way out and gently stroke my clit and then repeat. I tried to explain but then he focused too much on my clit. I don’t like too much direct stimulation there. I took his hand and tried to have it make the motion I desired. Then I got overwhelmed and asked him to stop.

Tears flooded my eyes as I tried to talk to him about what was happening. He held me, placed his hand on my heart, and we were quiet for a bit. I loved that moment so much.

“We were really intimate tonight.” He said. “I love spending this time with you. I love being intimate with you.” He touched my face so gently face wiping away a tear. He kissed both of my cheeks, his lips lingering on my skin less than an inch from my lips, and he held me so tightly.

Then it was time to get up off of the bed, to release the intimate cocoon of the past 90 minutes, to get dressed slowly, and go home feeling warm, seen and loved.

He gave me several hugs and as I turned to open door, he said, “One more hug.” And then as he whispered, “Goodnight,” his lips brushed my ear and lingered. It felt so good that he seemed to want more. I desire to feel wanted and desired so much.