He asked me to think deeply about my desires and my intention for working with him. The focus of our work is in service of me and my healing. Having the space to feel into what I desire and speak it has proven to be very powerful for me.

In the past, and even now, I’m not always aware of my desires. It feels rare to be allowed, invited even, to speak my desires, to have them be received so deeply, and to be witnessed and encouraged in this act of empowerment.

These were my desires at this moment in time:

I desire for you to touch me sensually and invite erotic energy to arise and be present in the massage.

I desire to feel your desire for me if it arises but have my boundaries respected and my well-being centered.

I desire to feel warm, safe and turned on and relax into the pleasure without feeling like it needs to lead anywhere.

I desire these experiences to help me feel worthy and deserving of receiving what I want.

I want to be able to communicate clearly in the moment about what is meeting my desire and what isn’t, as well as allow new desires to arrive and be felt without fear or shame.

I desire for you to encourage and guide me gently and share what comes through your channel for me.

I desire to be present with and acknowledge the ways this intimacy impacts me and allow my feelings to arise without shaming myself or making it a problem.

As I arrived for my session, he asked me to speak these desires outloud to him. We sat cross-legged on the floor, one of my feet slightly touching his leg. I put on my glasses and read, glancing down at each line and looking him in the eyes as I spoke the words communicating my desires to him.

He asked me to repeat that I desire to be turned on. Also that I desire to feel his desire for me.

“I desire to be turned on. I want to feel your desire for me.”

He clarified that he would express his desire verbally. We talked about my boundaries and his boundaries. We felt a mutual clarity and entered the massage room for our session.

I wanted his presence in the room with me as I undressed and got on the table. I asked him to turn around and not watch me though. It helped calm an anxiety I’ve always felt about the massage therapist entering the room. I considered what it might be like to one day ask him to watch me get undressed. It’s an exploration in what feels right and I enjoy the freedom of being able to try new things out.

I’m discovering that there’s a difference between undressing for someone with the intent to turn them on and undressing while being witnessed as an act of being seen in my most vulnerable form, showing my body as I overcome shame and feel into my sensual power and freedom.

I lay on my stomach and took deep breaths. I felt his hands make contact with my body over the sheet. My nervous system started to slow, regulate, and relax. I trust his touch. I feel safe.

His large, warm, strong hands moved slowly up and down my back. He felt the length of my legs and moved slowly and sensually over my bottom, lingering to feel my curves affectionately. He expressed his arousal at touching my body. He said that I was gorgeous, and invited me to own it by speaking out loud that I am gorgeous.

“I am gorgeous.”

I felt shy to say that, but I spoke it out loud, blushing a bit. It’s been a journey to believe that someone as tall, handsome, and beautiful as he truly thinks that I am gorgeous and thoroughly enjoys my body and nakedness.

He slowly pulled the sheet down my body until I was completely naked. I felt warm oil drizzling along my legs and over my butt. Then his hands moving up one of my legs, sensually massaging my round behind and then his hands moving down the other leg. He would then stroke up my legs and over my butt with both hands, moving up my back and running his hands into my hair, pulling my hair gently, but with such obvious and sexy desire.

Because he can feel how much I like it, he spent so much time massaging my butt. One time he couldn’t resist lightly spanking me. I love how that feels so much. I could have my butt massaged for hours. I raised my hips up off the table to meet his hands. I arched my back and moaned with pleasure. I spread my legs apart so that he could access my inner thighs. He told me that it was so sexy the way I opened my legs apart.

It’s an incredible feeling, receiving so much pleasure, experiencing that pulse of eroticism and electricity in mutually desired touch. In these moments I ride the line between wanting to completely surrender to his strong desire for me, wanting him to take me and make love to me, indulging himself in the way that he desires, and also holding a boundary that allows a deep, beautiful healing to take place for me, potentially for both of us. With him I feel an innocence in my erotic desire, a longing to feel free to express myself in my own unique, authentic energetic dance of how my body moves with pleasure and desire.

This connection is different from making love. There is a love of pleasure, a love of healing, a love of freedom, respecting boundaries and sensual, erotic energy. I am always curious where the energetic dance will lead me. I play with giving myself the time and space to be supported in creating, owning, and asking for the desires that I think will be most healing and powerful for me to experience. There is no road map, only my heart and my body to consult and check in with. How do my chakras and pleasure centers align with this pleasure? I must choose consciously for myself, there is no permission to be granted by another for my pleasure pathway. I must offer and give it to myself.

He is here to guide me. Like the banks of a river, he helps me stay in the healing zone and asks me to consider how I am flowing and if it serves my healing. He asks to look into my eyes as I answer him, feeling into the state of my nervous system and my level of presence.

I am always trying to find the language that feels as sensual as his hands gliding over my skin. I sink into the pleasure, but focus on my breath to stay present, I don’t want to drift away into a fantasy world. I want to be awake for each second of my sexual liberation.

As the pleasure pulses throughout my body, my pussy purrs and lubricates herself. I feel the warmth spread slowly opening channels and pathways deep inside of me. I notice what it feels like to desire to be filled with his erection, to feel him deep inside of me, for my pussy to expand and pulse around him opening the deepest channel into my womb for the most sacred passage of life. I feel so open, ready to be filled with love, filled to life, and filled with pleasure. I don’t want to miss out on any of it. And it is also true that my life has been a deep journey of self healing where I am always learning how to keep my body safe, how to discern the right time and the right energies to allow into my space and especially my depths.

At this stage of my life, I have a prayer for a mutually loving relationship, a partnership. I long to share my life, my body, my sensuality with someone who honors my body and my sovereignty in the way that he does. He shows me what is possible, asks me to dig deep inside of myself to create the possibilities of what my body gently, quietly calls for. It feels so loving. I know that he is offering me a teaching, a healing, a safe place to explore and find myself. In a way, I consistently understand more about what I need and how to ask for it. My prayer for partnership uplevels itself each time I spend time in the flow of the erotic energy between us. I have come to understand how my sensuality and eroticism can be tended like a garden, grown with love and care, and set free to flourish.

I know this magical blessing I have found and created for myself is a moment in time. I get to have a strong, tall, gorgeous, kind, sensitive, sensual, and wild-hearted man lean over my naked body, ask to look into my eyes, and say, “What would you like? What do you desire?”

The sheer possibility of ways to answer that question overwhelms me and sends shivers through my body. What would I like? What do I want? What do I desire?

I want to answer these questions all day in a million different ways. The answer is always some version of love. I want to be loved, to feel loved, to have my love received and reciprocated. To be a healing force of love in the world. To be a way to soothe the pain, fear and suffering that so many feel all the time, to soothe with my love and offer pleasure in a way that is safe and abundant.

I lie on my back now. I am completely naked under his gaze in the dim light. I feel more vulnerable, more exposed, and he says that I am so beautiful and that my body is amazing and sexy. The warm oil feels like it soothes the harshness of the ways myself and others have treated my body in the past. In this moment, my body is worshiped, revered, and offered the care, love, and attention that she craves and longs for. It’s a sacred ceremony and my answered prayers come alive in the moment. Possibilities and pathways are forged and become known.

He asks if he can touch my breasts. I breathe, “Yes, please,” and his warm, strong hands encircle them massaging one, then the other, then both at the same time. The touch connects and unifies the pulsing sensation in my pussy, my heart, and my nipples. I long for the feeling of being in my favorite sexual position. I search back through moments of riding that lover who fit inside me like we were made for each other. I recall feeling him fully engorged inside of me, feeling the control I have over my own pleasure, knowing the power of my pussy and how I can move to make myself orgasm. The eroticism I feel between my breasts and his face, his hands and mouth massaging, kissing, sucking with such desire, hunger and raw lust. In this memory and fantasy of some of my most erotic moments I remember my orgasm rushing through my body with such force that I felt it blast through my crown chakra with a force somewhat similar to an ice cream headache, but so much better.

I am here on the table receiving pleasure, attention, and it’s all for me. I like the feeling of desire and longing, maybe even more than if it turned into my fantasy. It feels safe to be on the edge of the fantasy, knowing that our agreed upon boundaries will not be crossed. I feel so free from the fear of needing to defend my boundaries and not knowing if I will be able to.

This time, I’ve invited him to touch my yoni. Just the outside, which ends up including my labia and clitoris. I had a long appointment with the lovely woman who waxes me where we co-created my version of a full-bush Brazilian wax. She waxed my whole butt, my butthole and removed all the hair from my labia, outer lips and inner thighs. It took forever. I always feel a bit weird being waxed. I don’t know if I like it or not. I wanted to try it out, but mildly regret it. I don’t know if some men like hair or not. It’s up to me I know, my body, my preference. But still, I wish I knew what he thought about my smooth pussy.

He said, “Your yoni feels amazing.”