When I started the anonymous Sacred Body Love blog, I was excited about the idea of a man finding my writing and being really attracted to it, so much so that he would try to find out who I was, and then we would end up being soulmates.

That fantasy, that imaginary story, is probably only something that a woman like me would dream up. I slowly began to realize that I am actually writing for other women. My deep desire to be seen for all that I am by a male who will also be a great partner and companion will most likely not be met or furthered by this effort. The longings I have, the fantasies, the private, intimate details I share here, I have come to realize that I don’t know any men who would be looking to read such things. I’m once again disheartened in my search for connection. Yet there is some part of me that refuses to give up completely.

I’m in the middle of a long journey. It’s my relationship with wanting a relationship. It’s a journey of all the avenues I’ve ventured down very hopefully that only ended once I was able to value myself more than all the effort I was making to try to convince a man to love me who just wasn’t ever going to be interested in loving me.

I’m in the beginning stages of letting it all go. Maybe I will be able to let go of my desire for a partner. Maybe I will be able to acknowledge that the odds are stacked against me and in this lifetime, with this body, and with this karmic load. I may be here for the long haul just by myself. That might end up being okay with me. It really is much better than being with a partner who might try to control me, whose addictions bleed over into my life, one whose trauma causes me fear and anxiety, one who plays mind games, and one who neglects me and only offers crumbs of love when absolutely necessary.

I can feel how deeply jaded I am. I can feel all the hurts and all the confusion about why I am so unlovable. I might be willing to consider that I am deeply loveable, and also that it is very complex to truly love someone else in a way that feels loving to them. It seems so hard and painful. I know I’ve had glimpses of love, but mostly that love has been one-sided. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that the person whom I made the object of my affection might be able to see me and love me for who I am. Mostly we both silently agreed not to acknowledge that he was numb and couldn’t feel what I felt or didn’t want to try.

I feel my inner Edward Scissorhands parts, they are ready to bolt, ready to cut people out of my life before they can leave me or hurt me. I know that part of me makes me unsafe for some people. I truly want to heal this part of me. Lately, I feel that only I have the power to tend to those younger, scared, traumatized parts of myself. Only my kindness and consistent reassurance will help them start to relax and trust. I think that we all, both men and women, are so deeply sensitive, and yet we hide so much and learn to ignore so much. It all builds and compounds inside of us into unsurmountable walls that only start to crumble and crack when our backs have been against the wall of our own prisons for too long.

It is truly a miracle that people fall in love and decide to merge their lives together into one home and often the same bed and make most of their decisions together. It also seems like the most common thing. I feel like I see people all the time who appear to be making their marriages and partnerships work, finding love, and choosing to stay and make it work. I have turned myself inside out and written and prayed and everything-ed my ass off to try and become someone who is worthy of such a commitment and such love. I have broken my own heart with my hope and innocence and the ways I keep getting up, dusting myself off, and trying again.

I feel so much shame for how often I have put myself out there only to be ghosted or ignored, or just get no response. I am willing to consider that it might not be about me, but it sure feels like is. Maybe so many of us are in the same boat. Maybe we are all so tired and so on our last nerve and it is so much harder than when we were young, naive, insensitive, and unaware. Or maybe we were always this sensitive and aware but didn’t know we deserved better or that another way was possible.

In many ways, I see how much I love being alone. I love getting to make all my own decisions and do whatever the fuck I want to 24/7/365. Sometimes I think it would be so nice to have a lover to spend time with. That sweet innocent thought never goes into reality the way that I imagine though. If it’s too good, I start to fall in love. I want more than they want to give and that becomes a problem. The things I want, long for, and desire so deeply all feel like problems. They are only problems because I stay and try to make it work when it clearly doesn’t. Why do I ever think that I can convince someone to love me or that if they just got to know me, they would discover what gem/diamond I am?

Sometimes the sex is so good, but it tears me apart that it’s so infrequent and he doesn’t pay enough attention to me or care about me or cherish me. I have no idea if I want too much or don’t want enough, or if I am entirely unrealistic about what a partnership is. I do want the chance to find out. I do want to meet someone who I feel excited about, attracted to, a resonance with, and love and passion for. Isn’t that what we all want? Either it’s not, or I am just not that person for the people who seem to be that for me.

Maybe there is a way that I am sabotaging myself. A subtle energy that is repelling men because they can sense my need, my weakness, and my despair and they want to run the other way. There is a very dark negativity inside of me. I think we all probably have that to some degree. I don’t know why I feel so less than, so damaged, and everyone else I know seems to find someone so much faster.

The truth is that I am not needy desperate or weak. I am very strong, very capable, very independent, and very passionate and creative. I am at odds with the patriarchal programming inside of me. I feel that when I reject it I somehow reject myself.

What to do? I am also deeply afraid on many levels. Afraid of so many things. Mostly I am afraid of being physically hurt. I am afraid that if I allow a man to have sex with me he will hurt me emotionally, physically, and psychically. It’s such a visceral fear. I don’t know if it’s founded, but I think it is. I am afraid that he won’t genuinely care about my pleasure or if it feels good. I am afraid that he will get carried away by what feels good for him and that he will not care if he hurts me. I am afraid that I won’t be able to speak up or let him know that it hurts. I am afraid that if I do he will not care. I am afraid that if I do he will stop and go away and never want to see me again. I am afraid that even if everything is amazing, he will ghost me. I am afraid that he will find something or many things to be disgusted with me about, that he will judge me, and that he will joke about me with his friends. I am so afraid that I will never, ever find a lover who will treat my body sacredly and with the care that I know I deserve.

I am afraid that I am only seen as prey, as someone who doesn’t matter and is only worth a limited amount of time to be used for pleasure and then thrown away. I have no idea how to become someone who is worth more in the eyes of this man I fear. I have no desire to become what a man like that wants me to be. I also have no idea how to find a love that feels safe and fulfilling. The only move I feel I have is to be alone and not share myself with anyone else.

Even in a review of my friendships and my family, I just don’t feel valued in the way I want to be valued. It’s possible that I don’t value others enough, but I do feel I dedicated years and years of my life to trying to be everything for everyone else. That simply did not work or fulfill me in any way.

My friend told me about a beloved guru who had a wife who he said loved him “the way he was meant to be loved.” That is a beautiful sentiment. I want to be a woman who is able to say that I have a partner who loves me the way I am meant to be loved. With the gender roles reversed, I feel that would be saying something much more than what the guru said.

Some part of me has faith still. Some part of me holds hope for a partner who is so much more amazing than anything I can ever even imagine right now. I hold hope that I can also be a partner who is so much more amazing than my partner can even imagine. I am always praying for that.