I had a pleasure practice long before I knew that it was called a Pleasure Practice. I learned how to give myself orgasms before I even knew what the word masturbate meant. I intuitively understood to keep this thing that I really, really enjoyed to myself and only do it in private.

In the forty-something years that I’ve been masturbating, I’ve learned so much about my body and rarely missed a day of having a mind-blowing, toe-curling, open-mouth panting orgasm.

My self-pleasure rituals have changed and evolved over the years. I creatively embrace this practice and value this time with myself. I have little need for porn, although I have explored some ethical, female produced pornography from time to time. I recently paid for a subscription for a site called Cheex.

I’ve enjoyed watching some all female threesomes, and I sometimes fantasize about being the one being pleasured and tended to by the two others. I’m also curious about having my hands tied together. I might enjoy the relief of not being able to move or feel like I have to touch anyone else, but just receive. I think if I felt safe enough and cared for, I would be open to and enjoy a lot of things.

Mostly I turn myself on by touching myself. Sometimes, especially at night, I create elaborate fantasies often involving past lovers that really get me going. Every now and then, I will exchange some very sexy and intense text messages with a lover detailing my desires, what I am longing for him to do to me, and what I want to do to him. We are both very skilled writers. He’s the best sexter I know…besides myself. I wish I had a book of our sext exchanges.

Somehow I found a porn website where he had uploaded videos of himself having sex with other women. I watched all those videos many times and was so turned on by them. I think the fact that he didn’t know I had found them or was watching them was part of the kink. I felt so happy for the women he was having sex with because I can 100% imagine and understand the pleasure that they were feeling. Part of what can turn me off about porn is that I often don’t believe that these women are experiencing the pleasure they appear to be having. But in the case of finding my lover’s self-made videos (I hope and assume they were consensually made…) I believed the moans and screams coming from those women and could feel their pleasure deep inside me knowing what I’ve experienced with him over and over.

Some lifetime I’d love to know the feeling of being a gorgeous man with a huge cock and giving women such deep, intense pleasure. I would be such a generous lover.

I think of his cock often when pleasuring myself. Imagining it entering me slowly makes my legs spread open and my pelvis lift up in desire. My pussy starts to ache longing to feel the walls of my vagina stretched by his perfectly massive, long and thick cock. Size does matter to me. I can’t help it. I’m a size queen and I will not apologize. I just want what I want.

Back to my self-pleasure practice…though thinking about and imaging all the incredible sex I’ve had is a part of that.

Today I woke up earlier than I prefer to on a Sunday. My friend who I had plans to take mushrooms with today said she couldn’t make it work. I felt both relieved and disappointed. Relieved to have the whole day to do whatever I feel like doing, and disappointed to miss sharing the mushroom experience with her. I think we both really needed it.

After having my tea, I took off my clothes to get in the shower. I was standing in front of the mirror watching as I cupped and started massaging my breasts. They are so full and heavy. I love the feeling of my own hands on my breasts. Sometimes I hold them as I fall asleep. I felt a tingling in my pussy and reached down to feel that I was incredibly wet. I’ve been really wet and horny for several days now. I was supposed to see my lover a day ago, but I had to cancel because my body felt weird and strange when I woke up that day.

Sometimes I feel such a deep longing for a true partner, someone to share my life with, someone who I can trust completely. I imagine that with a partner like that I could truly let go and experience the deepest and most primal pleasure and orgasms. I don’t know though… the relationships I’ve had in the past haven’t been like that, but somehow I’m still hopeful.

What I try to watch out for, is hoping that my lover can meet my deep need to be held and loved. If I go in with that need, I know I’ll be disappointed. So sometimes I have to wait to be with him until I feel more able to be in the present moment and ride the eroticism of our bodies together in current time rather than from a place of needing love and attention. It’s good for my mental health, but sometimes I kick myself for passing up a chance for such a potentially hot encounter with him.

He is kind and patient with me. He has a partner and probably other lovers, but he does keep coming back to me for a long time now. I know what we experience together is something special.

Feeling turned on by thinking about him, I decided to pleasure myself before taking a shower today. I lay on my back on top of my yoga bolster. I’ve discovered that there’s something about being slightly elevated that turns me on. I choose my rose quartz egg, which is the largest of my yoni eggs, to insert inside me. I add just a touch of aloe based lube to it so it slides into my pussy really easily. I take some time and use my pussy muscles to pull it deep inside of me and then push it back out to the opening where I can feel it coming out, but catch it with my fingers. I do this several times. In and out. Though I wish it was my lover’s beautiful cock, it feels so good to massage the insides of my pussy like this. The egg is so hard and cold, but my pussy quickly warms it up. I like feeling the weight of it.

I press play on my self-love playlist and let the sexy, sensual music start to relax my whole body. I spend time massaging my breasts with both hands, squeezing and pinching my nipples. I run my hands and fingers over my belly, my hips, my inner thighs and I trace the sides of my vulva very slowly and lightly. I think of my lover’s tongue exploring my lips as I feel my own wetness by running my fingers up and then down just on the outside of my pussy where my juices are overflowing slightly.

I straighten my legs and point my toes while squeezing my legs together. A rush of pleasure spills over my body. Something on the inside of my hips where they connect to my pelvis pops and releases and it feels so good. Then I open my legs wide, so wide, and feel the desire for my lover to enter me so slowly until his huge, full cock is completely inside me and he gently thrusts it all the way to the back of my pussy in a way that makes me completely lose control. I crave the feeling of him cumming deep inside me. His cum specifically has become like a drug to me. For some reason, I am turned off by most men’s cum, but his seed fills me up and makes me feel ecstasy as it floods through my body. I desire it so deeply and feel so happy for days once it’s inside me.

I pick up my beloved pink vibrator and turn it on. I move it up and down gently over my dripping pussy lips, getting it wet. I push the head of it inside of me so slowly, the raised part stimulating my g-spot with ease. I draw it in and out several times, building the incredible sensation more and more. Then I draw it out and feel it glide in circles around my clit. I have to use a very light touch here so I don’t explode into my orgasm too fast. My right hand is on the vibrator and my left hand is strongly massaging my left breast. There’s something about the pressure of squeezing the area around my areola, and then squeezing my nipple between my fingers that brings my orgasm on so strongly.

I’m giving into it. I feel it coming and I don’t want to stop it. I feel the pleasure spreading like a wave throughout my whole body. I’m breathing hard with my mouth open wide as short moans and gasps emerge. Today I imagine what it would be like to have a cock in my mouth as I orgasm. Would my throat open wide as I came? My chest opens wide, my head goes back, my toes point and curl, and my pelvic bone seems to spread open as I imagine happens in labor. I am birthing an amazing, incredible orgasm that resets my entire body with a wave of pleasure so intense it almost gives me a headache.

My heart is pounding and I am still panting when it’s coming to an end. Every muscle in my body relaxes and I go into a post orgasm savasana lying so still and soaking up these moments where my whole body feels so good and so complete. I am so grateful that I know how to experience such deep pleasure. There are some twinges and pangs of wanting someone to hold or cuddle me, but I curl up and hug my pillow tight, squeezing my legs together once again and feel a short rush of pleasure flow through me.

After a few minutes, I place my hand between my legs and use my muscles to push the rose quartz egg out of my pussy. Besides the stones healing properties, it just feels so good when my pussy walls contract around it. I enjoy feeling my pussy juices being washed away as I clean the egg and vibrator with soap and hot water so that they are ready to go for next time I feel the urge.

I think about the number of men who tell me that I have a tight pussy. They love it. I get great feedback all the time. It feels so good to them. They often have a hard time lasting more than a few pumps once they are inside me. I like how my pussy is, but I worry that it makes men feel a certain way to not be able to last longer. One man I was with a few times said that he was trying to think about baseball and other non-sexy things so he could last longer, but he just seemed distracted to me.

It can sometimes feel disappointing to not get to my own orgasm, especially when it feels so close. But I also feel powerful and like the fact that my pussy has the remarkable quality of being so tight and giving so much pleasure.

A lover once left me a post-it note that said, “Your pussy is magic.” Truth!